Wednesday, January 14, 2009

future inventions

1. NyQuil for babies and children. Nuf said.

2. Cars that drive themselves so you can catch a few extra zzz's on the way to work. With more comfortable back seats that fold down into a bed like apparatus.

3. Not really an invention but I could sure use an errand boy. Or girl, I am not trying to gender stereotype. I need a laborer. There.
Sounds like I'm trying to give birth over here. What I really want is someone to go out in this foot of snow we have to grab me another bag of mini marshmallows so I have something to snack on tonight while Jeff and I watch a scary movie that I now forget the name of. Oh, and while my laborer is there I want them to pick up a box of wart removers. I think I found one on my finger. I have thoroughly tried to pick it off and now it hurts when water touches it. Or fabrics of any kind. Or air. So lets kill this little fucker.
The labor company phone number could be 1-800-LABORER.
It fits oh so nicely. It is a no brainer.

Since this isnt a state in the SW corner of America we dont have groups of unemployed illegals sitting on the side of the road waiting to paint our houses and rebrick our front walks we need this kind of thing.
The SW has everything. Fuckers with their beaches and wineries and oceans. They have laborers too. Ooooo, its so glamorous in the SW.

4. Longer weekends. What kind of a fuck stick came up with the idea of a 5 day, 40 hour work week?

5. Again, not an invention, but there should be a law that states that you have to take a test or qualify to have children. Or at least not be a total dumbass. These poor kids further your dumbassery by witnessing your daily dumbassing and thinking its normal. No, Cletus, your half sister/second cousin is NOT supposed to be making advances and obscene hand gestures to you.

6. Powerful drugs that help you sleep throughout the entire night without waking up. With no 'hangover'. And no high costs involved with it. Better yet, make it free. And find a way to help me stop peeing 2 times in the middle of the night every fucking night.

7. Less snow.


Stacey said...

Oh, yes, baby nyquil!!!!!!!

Ashley said...

I love these! And I totally agree with #6! I could really use such an invention! And I love #5! Freaking hilarious - and something I've often said. See? I knew we were kindred spirits! LOL